Holy regression

My soul is hurting and tired. I have spent so much time attempting to unravel the events and circumstances of the last few years, trying to assign meaning and gain understanding over my life. My Father has gently and repeatedly removed the idol of temporal understanding from me, and keeps placing Himself in its place. He calmly and patiently continues to show me how to trust Him and know Him, which is true understanding. This path has taken me deeper into Him and a prayer began bubbling in my spirit and mind this week. The highlights: justice, Shield, favored one (me!), like a child, chosen, eyes to see, persistence, path prepared. These are words that came from His Word. Words that struck a chord with me because of their importance, simplicity and hope. Words of truth that mix together like a medicine.

I have a picture in my mind of taking the knotted up ball of mess that represents my feelings, thoughts, personality and just handing it over to my Father. He gratefully accepts it, without disappointment, frustration or condescension. It’s almost like He delights in my mess. And honestly, I am relieved. I know the importance of not trying to clean myself up before I come to Him, it’s an impossible job and futile exercise. This is exactly the benefit of my faith in Jesus and Jesus’s life in me. He has already cleansed me. It doesn’t mean that I won’t need to keep recognizing and appropriating this spiritual fact. But, I have also felt exhausted by the brain games I keep playing with myself. Why is it so hard?

The Lord brought several previously read books¹ and current Scriptures² together for an answer this week, and He has shown me the desires of my heart and He has granted them. He has invited me to a Holy regression, and I have purposed to go. The invitation came when I realized I have lived my whole life playing a game of performance based acceptance. This game is seemingly necessary for the world in which we live, but it is actually contrary to God’s Kingdom. My strengths and capabilities can lead me to excel at this worldly game, and win acceptance for a while, but it will always break down, because sin. When I was drawn and came to Christ as a child, I did not instantly receive full understanding in my brand-new spirit, nor was there an opportunity at that time for thorough discipleship. Over time, through the Holy Spirit, I have been granted greater revelation and illumination by Scripture, writings from mature Christ-followers, and also through my own observations and prayer. The game the world plays is a hindrance and detriment in the Kingdom of God. Why should I think I can accept Christ’s sacrifice of Body and Blood, but then continue on in our own strength? My precious reader, ask the Father to bestow on you revelation and then, by faith, come into the Light!

I have purposed to drop my strengths and capabilities (which actually look a lot like that knotted ball of string) and simply revert to childlike ways. I am heading into the utter foolishness of being like a child. My Father’s approval is all I need, and it is enough. I am free here to be weak, needy, poor, fatherless and afflicted. I didn’t choose these things, but they were my state before my Father found me. In this childlike state, the desire for justice is basic and expected, but doesn’t overwhelm the good I receive. My persistence is welcomed and encouraged. I have been granted dominion by my Father and He does not give me a spirit of fear! In fact, fear belongs to Him. I can trust my Father with my personality, because He is the One who made me and shapes me. I can feel my feelings, then hand them over to the Spirit for His truth to speak to the eternal reality of my experience. To put all of this in words is a necessary work, but the action becomes simplified and more in tune with the heart of my Father. My own wisdom is nothing but foolishness, but His is Life.

The amazing thing about this regression, is that it ultimately leads to life. He has mapped out my each and every step. He doesn’t throw my personality into a trash bin, and program me into a cloned robot of a person. He simply untangles my mess, stamps the proof of Christ’s life and death onto each part, and then grants me myself to His own glory. It’s like every part of me comes under His sway, and when I am living as a simple child, it’s easier to accept His method and His timing. I don’t have to mourn over the process, I am willing to wait with an expectancy, but also be captivated with the current place and time He’s gifted me. I can go to Him and ask the same questions over and over and He will greet me, welcome me and turn His attention to me fully. I don’t have to worry I’ve outworn my welcome, or that He’s too busy for me. I simply recognize the access I’ve been given, and I utilize it. Rather than holding the map, and trying to power my way through the journey, I hand the map over to the Creator, and walk in His ways. This is the importance of the Life of Christ in me. He knows the way.

This regression is actually the walk of the Spirit. It is a paradox. What the world sees as foolishness, my Father calls wisdom. What the world sees as weakness, my Father sees as an opening for His strength. The world will judge me as trying to move backward, but in the Kingdom, it is the only way forward. This walk will take me to the scenic overlooks many times where I am able to see my progress, and possibly look ahead to what’s coming. There will be times I need to rest, realizing my body and soul have habits ingrained from playing the game of performance. I’m sure I’ll need to remind myself that the game is rigged against me…I always lose. I have lost parts of myself over the years because certain people deemed those parts too uncivilized, too different, or too MUCH. And yet, when I look at children, aren’t they all too much in some way? I am tired of constraining my soul and shrinking myself to gain the approval of others. I won’t allow this rigged system to hold authority over me anymore. I’m sure I’ll slip back into my performance habits every now and then, but I trust my Father to continue His work of guiding me along the path He has for me. This is ultimately His work. He started it, and He’ll finish it. For that, I am gratefully awed. He is faithful to do it.

1. The books are The Rest of the Gospel: When the partial Gospel has worn you out by Dan Stone and Greg Smith, Lifetime Guarantee: Making your Christian life work and what to do when it doesn’t by Bill Gillham, and The Normal Christian Life by Watchman Nee. ↩︎
2. I’ve ingested a lot of Scripture, but these are the passages I was in this week: Numbers 26-28, 2 Samuel 3-5, Job 23-26, Psalm 1-15, 19, Jeremiah 15-18, Luke 18-20, Romans 16, 1 Corinthians 1-2, 1 Thessalonians 5, 2 Thessalonians 1-2, Revelation 3-5, John 1-5, Zechariah 1-6 ↩︎