Releasing my hurt feelings
In a previous article, I gave a visual of “Forgiveness Court“, and made a comment about dealing differently with hurt feelings. It is a necessity for me to deal quickly with any funky feelings, so that they don’t overstay their welcome and morph into something rotten. To begin: I think our culture encourages hurt feelings. I personally see us being ‘trained’ to be highly sensitive and extremely self-oriented. Devoted Christ-followers are called to a different and much higher standard! With that being said, there are plenty of opportunities to get my feelings hurt, and even hurt the feelings of others. My hurt feelings are often caused by misunderstanding, my own hyper-sensitivity, chain-reaction events or a domino effect of tough stuff. These things can sometimes involve sin on the part of the other person or myself, but really, a lot of times, they don’t. It’s usually something in me that’s gone funky, and I just get my feelings hurt. This is another visual my Father gave me to sort through these hurt feelings. I don’t need to offer my offender forgiveness, because that’s reserved for sin, but I do need to do something to put it behind me to restore the relationship and prevent a grudge from creeping in. The world can use pithy sayings like, “You can’t fix stupid, or sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me,” but I have found that these sayings degrade people (in my case), and it ends up hardening my heart, basically feeding my grudge. I want my mind to be renewed, since I have the mind of Christ, and so I want to think more like the Lord in these matters.
During these times, when I find myself at odds with another, I find myself resorting to the very pious attitude (activate sarcasm) of wanting to be right. This attitude tempts me to make mountains out of molehills. I want to win, have the other person admit defeat and generally hold a parade for me, myself, and I; to acknowledge that I’m so great, wonderful and right all the time. I have a strong sense of justice, yet it’s lopsided in my favor most of the time. It’s when I am mounting my high horse that the Lord shows me it’s not all about me. My hurt feelings are important to Him, and He loves me, and He also loves the other person and their feelings. He’s not about to rain down fire and brimstone so I can prove my point.
Entering my imagination
I resort to imagery again. The Father showed me this during a time with Him and I was quite surprised. Now, it has become a useful tool when I realize I have been hurt, but there is no sin to confront, or the Lord asks me to overlook an offense. I use this imagery in conjunction with my meditations in the Word. The backstory: I really like feeding people. I enjoy having people around my table laughing, eating and sharing. It’s at the table that we are creating memories, enjoying fellowship and meeting needs. I believe we will feast in heaven with our eternal family. In the 23rd Psalm, it says that my Shepherd will prepare a table for me in the presence of my enemies. I will be honest, I like the idea of sitting down to a good meal with my Savior while my enemies are left hungry, cast away and thrust into the outer darkness. But, what if, at a particular time, my enemy is my spouse, my kids or just one of my friends? That judgment of mine is awfully harsh. I should reserve that for the enemies of the Lord, not the folks who just get on my nerves. As I was reading one morning, the Lord asked me to prepare a table for Him. And I knew I needed to make it really nice and inviting. In my mind, I was going to eat with Jesus, and so I went all out. Table cloths, candles, dishes for multiple courses of food. Flowers. Several glasses to hold a variety of drinks. Fancy. Cozy. Inviting. Just the two chairs. Jesus and…
Wait. What?! He looked past me, and there she was. My enemy. At least, she was at that moment. We were navigating some tough conversations, she and I. And I just couldn’t bring myself to let it go. She is a child of God. He is our Father. But my feelings had been hurt, and I really didn’t feel like believing the best about her. It turns out, I had set that table for her. Jesus had used me to serve Him, then gave my service to her. Ouch. I belong to Him, and I want to serve Him and be used by Him. Yet, it’s up to Him how I get used and what my service ultimately accomplishes. Again, I am confronted with my pettiness and His gentleness. He knew I would have resisted to set the table and watch my enemy dine with Him, so He focused my eyes on Him, and then blessed my enemy. In doing so, He blessed me. My attitude and feelings toward this sister were soothed. I realized that Jesus saw our misunderstanding, that He loves both of us, that He was for us both. And He gave me a way to release my hurt. In my mind, I saw her sit at this beautiful table, and then talk, eat and laugh with our Lord and be filled to overflowing in His Presence. She was radiant. I was humbled. And that was a very good thing.
The imagery of dining with Jesus can change in my mind. There have been times I’ve seen myself at the table with Father, Son and Spirit, and all of a sudden, I am aware of other people around the table. Can I freely invite them to the table to dine with us? This has become a type of gauge that shows me what I am feeling toward and believing about other people, myself and God. Sometimes it’s easy to scooch around the table and make room for them, and other times, we just sit and wait for my decision, and the fellowship at the table is strained. I may have to wrestle with my feelings and allow the Spirit to apply His truth. I have found though, that there is grace enough to wait.
Over time, because my mind is being renewed, I choose to let my feelings be hurt less and less. I sense the eternal communion taking place among the Trinity and I want to extend that fellowship to those around me. When I am rebuffed, poorly met or outright rejected, I can discern more easily that the problem sometimes exists within the other person, and less with me. That is not always the case, and yet I am more easily led to prayer and reconciliation than before. Love covers a multitude of offenses, and I am thankful that His love never fails.