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Spare the rod…

This post was recommended and asked for by a friend. I will admit, I am so uncomfortable writing it, but I can’t seem to wiggle out of it. While I am a bit unsettled in my soul, I have a peace deep, deep down that passes all understanding. A few disclaimers up front: this post is about the decisions I have made as a mom in my own experience and context (along with the input, direction and leading of my husband). While I will use some Bible verses, these verses simply informed my decision (and continue to). This means that what you read in this post is specific to me, but may be generally helpful to you. You should make the decision necessary for your home, with the Word and the Father. Also, there are absolutely NO guarantees in parenting. I am a free will entity parenting another free will entity (or 3), and that free will remains FREE. My Father was the first parent, and He is perfect, and yet we all know how Adam and Eve (and the rest of His earthly kids) turned out. Ouch. Lastly, the hopes I have for my parenting and the philosophy behind it is that my children know Jesus, and that His Spirit then continues to guide and parent them from the inside; transforming their hearts and renewing their minds. My side and responsibility of parenting is in this physical, temporary realm, while pointing them to the eternal and unseen realm.

The rod

I think of Psalm 23 often these days. The Lord is my Shepherd…and in this Psalm, it talks of a rod and staff as a comfort. The rod and staff of a shepherd are for protection, help, guidance, correction and can be an extension of his presence. When I first became a mom, I took some time and tried to unpack everything from my own childhood and determined how or if to bring those experiences forward into my own parenting. I sought counsel, I talked to my Father a lot and I watched my child grow. A book that was recommended over and over again was Shepherding a Child’s Heart by Tedd Tripp. I am so glad I read that book. It helped put into words the thoughts I had, and also gave me some simple and practical steps to take with my children even while they were babies without rich vocabulary. The idea that we are all created to be under authority was a thought that was foundational to my life, but I had never heard put into words. This became an important piece of who I was, but also who I wanted my children to be. Better yet, they could just learn from day one how their life was going to look. You may reject this notion, especially if faith is not central in your life, but I think as you ponder it, you’ll see the profound truth that we are all made to be under authority.

So, if I’m asking my children to come under my authority, let’s talk about the rod. In the book of Proverbs, this word occurs quite a few times, usually in the context of fools or children. (See Proverbs 10:13; 13:24; 14:3; 22:15; 23:13-14; 26:3; 29:15). Often, these verses are taken as proof that spanking is the only way to Biblically discipline a child. Sometimes these verses are used to excuse abuse, and sometimes they are simply ignored. I will say that in our home, we spank. However, I can say that spanking is not the only method of discipline we use. You see, precious reader, I have come to realize, over time, that I am the rod. And I am held in my Father’s hand, and He decides how to use me. I have not found a one-size-fits-all solution for my children. While they have all received spankings, the reaction, conversation and follow-up are as varied and unique as each of them. And that brings me to the purpose of discipline. As my children stray from my authority, I am on an important rescue mission to bring them back into right standing with me (obedience and honor) and the Father (obedience and honor). I want them restored to sweet fellowship with me and their heavenly Father. This requires some non-negotiables on my part.

Consistency, calmness, counsel

These non-negotiables are consistency, calmness and willingness to counsel. How I communicate these can be different depending on the child and the circumstance. If it is blatant disobedience, a spanking is usually involved. If there is sibling discord, usually there is a lot of counsel and guidance. If there are misunderstandings, it is possible a nap is prescribed. However, I try to always address the problem. This is consistency. If today certain things matter and tomorrow I couldn’t care less about those same things, I set myself and my children up for terrible situations. When I am inconsistent, I leave it up to them to discern my mood, my focus and my cares. This is too big of a job for a child. I am the leader, and I need to be consistent. This has led to me really examining the “rules” of my house. Which ones am I willing to enforce all of the time, under any circumstances? There are actually only a couple of these: do not put hands on anyone in the family in anger or without asking, and do what I say, when I say it. Even with the latter, I allow my older children room to negotiate with me. So, one rule in my house is consistently on the books. And this makes me responsible to enforce it all all times. I do not gloss over this behavior, even when there is laughter and good vibes going on. Do I spank for every infraction of putting hands on? No, but again, it is always addressed. The consistency is in my addressing it, not in the action of discipline.

Calmness. I’ll admit to not having this necessary ingredient early on. HOWEVER, my Father was quick to work it out in me. When I wasn’t calm, I was reacting to my kids’ behavior and they became distracted by my reaction. If I was calm, they could understand the problem. This illustration is really about refraining from pouring gasoline on an already raging fire. While I definitely want to put out the fire, the urgency of the situation should not move me to make it worse. I need a plan, and I need to work the plan calmly. When my kids were little, that may mean a quick move of separating them, or taking away a brick they were throwing at each other, or putting them in their rooms and THEN thinking through my strategy of disciplining them for the infraction. Often, when I put them in their rooms at the top of the stairs, walked down the stairs to get a drink of water, then returned to offer discipline, the Lord had spoken to my spirit, calmed my soul, and given me His discipline strategy. It’s funny to me how often my kids can actually be used to discipline me. So, even spanking is not used in anger. Spanking should be as reasoned and measured as any other action in my life. Maybe even more so, since it is applied to precious, impressionable, weak and naive children.

And lastly, be willing to counsel. I use the word ‘willing’ because sometimes my children have counseled themselves, or received counsel directly from our Heavenly Father, before I get to them. Now, all of the discipline tools I use are used in hope to bring my children into right relationship and fellowship with me. Nothing should be left hanging out and festering after a disciplinary session. This means that we often talk it through (before, during and after any physical consequences). Usually before discipline is finished, we have said the words, “I love you”, and hugged one another or held hands or sat close. As each one of them has come to know Christ, we talk further of disobedience as sin, ask and offer forgiveness, and pray together. We have seen how incapable we are to obey in the simplest tasks and thus we all see our need for a Savior. Then, we continue to see our need for a Savior. This has been the biggest blessing and benefit of consistent, calm and counseling discipline in my home.

A further word

In the beginning, I would say my home was rigid and rule-based. I know how much I’ve changed and been transformed over the years. And really, this blog is about exploring rhythms of grace and rest; Shalom; Wholeness, completeness and the idea of living out of the life of Christ. And so, my biggest focus these days is how we live in fellowship with each other while also reflecting the ideals of the Kingdom. I believe some of the simplest seasons was when my kids lived by a list of dos and don’ts. However, their hearts were far from me. They had no need for a relationship with me if all they had to remember was the list. They also had very little honor or respect for my voice, because my voice interrupted their small lives and brought fear or burdens to them. As I have grown and changed, I see the change in them, too. Even with the “rule” of no hands on, we have had the opportunity to talk about how many instances and variations of interpersonal relating requires firm boundaries, or how guidelines can keep us from sin. Again, with the goal of having my children in relationship and fellowship with me, we are walking with Kingdom values and get to see ourselves mature in the understanding and knowledge of Christ.

Your turn

How would you like to continue this conversation? Leave a comment below.

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