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The grip of realization

Man alive. I need space to breathe. My thoughts are chaos. They won’t stay nice or neat or organized. I thought it was an escape mechanism, or a lack of discipline. Maybe even my body revolting against the hurt I’ve experienced. I heard my Father ask me to follow Him. He said to be more diligent in my writing. I interpreted this as if He wanted my thoughts to fall in line and coalesce and logically produce conclusions. Instead, His way is bizarre and unpredictable and so much better. He introduced more. More randomness. More reading. More voices. More noise. More trails. More. He showed me I crave less. I want quiet. I need stillness. I do not like His way. He is too slow in developing His theme in the chaos. Craving leads to death. My way of quiet and stillness at what expense? The feeling is not the truth, but feeling points to the truth. There can be lightnings and rumblings and earthquakes, and sometimes He is in that. He won’t always be the still, the quiet, the whisper. He won’t always be the light. Sometimes He is the noise! The darkness! The TOO MUCH!

And that’s what pierced my soul. I am too much, too.

Man alive. I need space to breathe. I am too much held by the TOO MUCH.

And I fit. He takes my tears and He bottles them up. He slides His massive wings over me. He plants my feet on the Rock. So much so that I am growing from the Rock, in the Rock. He makes His name a strong tower. He brings me out into a broad place. All of it is Him. He lifts up this little sagging branch. He commands His angels concerning me. He delights in me. He sings over me. I am too much for any container this earth has to offer. But eternity was made for me, and me for eternity. He offers Himself to be known and I know Him and Jesus whom He sent, and eternity is now. Now is eternity.

I won’t lie and say this realization doesn’t hurt. I’ve cried. The tears are fresh. But this realization offers an answer to all I’ve been thinking and feeling over the last few months. It explains the vastness of the thoughts and feelings, the aches, the questions, the loneliness and emptiness. None of this is beyond Him. And through it, His graces have been abundant and evident. We walk back through the wreckage of my life. The recurring disappointments. The breaking. The smoldering bridges that symbolize the never again. I hear the words, “You’re just too much” in all kinds of voices and tones. It was truth, but not the whole truth. I am not too much for Him. Ever.

I see the girl I am raising. She is a lot. But she is not too much. He made me first, to offer her the place to be herself. All of her. He knows what He’s doing. I trust Him even more. She will not be disappointed to find out she’s too much for everyone else. By then, she will know how to let Him carry her. She is just enough because of Him. She will not be tempted to hide the very best parts of herself because others feel threatened or diminished in her presence. Her character and integrity will be shaped by the Lord, and He will handle her reputation. While she is growing up, I will teach her how to be gentle like her Father, but also keep her backbone. We will practice together how to be people who are innocent, yet shrewd. And my daughter will have the opportunity to learn from my mistakes, weaknesses, shortcomings and sin.

I was overwhelmed by the TOO MUCH this week, but in the end, it wasn’t really too much for me. His infinite gentleness and goodness always provides a cushion to the realization He brings with Himself. To be found in His grip is the very best realization. I can never be snatched from His hand, or successfully escape. When the noise inside me reaches a crescendo, and I am afraid of the wind and the waves, I turn my face to His and allow His voice to invite me into His loudness, His darkness where His TOO MUCH drowns out my too much. His noise essentially tells my noise, “Peace. Be muzzled.” My noise complies, and I find His peace. We walk together as one. Like Father, like daughter.

My friend Job says it best, that the words of a despairing man are meant for the wind. I may reread this post one day and feel the need to offer Scripture references and further explanations. But for now, it is what it is.

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