|

The wrong way to cultivate your heart

Let me tell you a story of how I used to keep my heart. In this story, the metaphors will certainly be mixed, and there will be some details that are icky, but I’m going to be honest. And I am praying that you will consider the truth of how you keep your own heart.

Before I begin, let me give you a glimpse of where I am coming from in my beliefs about the heart and the mind. I believe there is a connection between our minds and our hearts, and that this language is reflected in our Father’s Word. I often hear people say things like, “I know that in my mind, but my heart doesn’t grasp it yet.” We talk like the mind is for knowing knowledge, and the heart is a place to feel knowledge and appropriate it into our life. I’m not an expert here. I am familiar enough with the Word to know that every part of me is made to be informed by God’s truth, and His Spirit is my Counselor and Guide. The Spirit wants to reveal truth to me through His Word. If I have an experience that seems to fall outside of the Word, I ask the Lord to conform my thoughts and experience to Him and show me where my mistake in interpreting His word lies. I am always the one who is wrong. The Word, my Father and His Spirit are always right and always agree. My personal belief is that the heart and mind are part of my soul, and my soul can be informed by my spirit, who communes with THE Spirit, or my soul can be informed by my body, which is touching this sinful and fallen world. Either way, I have a choice about what to do with the information that comes to me. Is it from this world, or from my Father? This would be the data, the information I am feeding my soul. This connection between my mind and heart is impossible to separate, but I can allow the Spirit to inform, illuminate and guide that connection through His Truth.

Grudge Nursery

I have a good memory. And over the years, I have placed great pride on my wonderful memory. And these days, as my age creeps up, my memory seems to grow a bit looser. Saggy, maybe, where things fall out the back or the bottom. This used to bother me, and some days it still does…but for the most part, this is a blessing. An answer to prayer from my wise and loving Father.

A memory should be exercised with caution, focus and good. Otherwise, you could choose to remember all the hurt, the offenses and the bad interactions with folks. And that’s exactly what happened to me with my “steel trap mind.” I got to the point where I could see a person, or even just think their name, and a flood of memories would come back. However, these selective memories weren’t filled with happiness, joy or good times. These memories I selected and filed away were filled with the person’s shortcomings, hurtful words, stupid actions, and ignorant behavior. After sifting through these snapshots, I could just smugly tuck those things back in my mind and go on my way. As I went along, I grew so thankful…to not be like those people. I would patiently wrap up all the junk associated with the person and sigh to myself, and then carry on as if all was well. I was blinded to the truth of the memories being snapshots; incomplete pictures of a whole person. Over time, after unpacking and repacking these junk file boxes in my mind, I realized all was not well, and I felt like I was laboring under a tremendously heavy burden. This burden was unrelenting, and there was no way my heart was healthy with all the bad memories lurking about. One day, as I was thinking of my heart like a garden, I realized I had been amending the soil of my heart with the poison of unforgiveness. Every time I allowed my mind the freedom to remember all of the shortcomings, sin, foolishness and hurts of others, I carried my heart into bondage, fertilized its soil with anger, resentment, regret and shame and then expected (like a simpleton) that my heart would grow kindness, peace, joy, patience, love and all of the other lovely fruits I wanted to enjoy. What a foolish hope!

One day, my Father addressed the state of my heart as I was spending time with Him. He asked me to choose forgiveness and lighten my load. He wanted me to acknowledge the hurt I have faced, and hand it to Him for Him to handle with me. I became quiet, and I can remember saying to myself, “I don’t have anyone to forgive.” I got out a piece of white paper, put it on my desk and grabbed a pen. I waited for about minute, then I started writing. Precious reader, I filled that page front and back with names. At that moment, I found myself standing in the middle of a grudge nursery I had created and cultivated in my overgrown, hurt and poisoned heart. Except these grudges were no longer the little furry pets that reminded me how much better I was than that other person. These grudges were full-grown monsters who stampeded through my tender heart, wreaking havoc, spreading hate, snarling under their breath when any small green shoot of fruit dared show itself in this wild, overgrown wasteland. These monsters were cynical and distrustful, angry and scared, wild and uncaring. That day, my Father and I, together, addressed the state of my heart. And we closed down that nursery.

Out of business

Forgiveness. It really is what put my grudge nursery out of business. Closing the nursery and overhauling the soil of my heart began that day, but it still continues to this day. I have studied and prayed and read about forgiveness. And, I have practiced it. Imperfectly maybe, but I have tried. I have experienced healing and restoration. I pray for reconciliation and peace in my relationships. In fact, I’ll talk about it more in another post, since forgiveness is more about how to keep your heart.

Closing the grudge nursery was a process. First, I didn’t accept any new grudges. When I was wronged or offended or hurt, I worked hard to give the other person the benefit of the doubt. What if their mother had died recently? Or what if they had just heard a terrible health diagnosis? What if they were hurting from broken relationships or financial troubles? What if they simply woke up on the wrong side of the bed? I would whisper a prayer for them and for me, and I would not carry that furry little grudge and allow it to take up residence in the nursery. This felt like work, since I had practiced the art of grudge nursing. When I built the habit of looking for and remembering the worst in people, I established a groove, or rutted out way of thinking that was simply easy to follow. Change can be simple, but hard.

The worst and hardest work came in expelling the full-grown monsters of misery. They were comfortable, and familiar, and in some terrible way, they felt like friends. My heart groans as I write this. I am so prone to comfort! I dislike change! And yet, my Father is in the business of redeeming, and making all things new. I want to walk His path with thanksgiving and love, covered by His grace. So, beginning with that list of names, I started the process of expelling those giants of despair. These monsters crowded out the light in the garden of my heart. They caused rot and decay, and choked out truth. In selectively choosing my memories to the detriment of another person, I had poisoned myself. In constantly revisiting the memory albums that showcased another person’s weaknesses, sins, and blemishes, I created my own album of self-righteousness and hatred. My album was bigger and weighed a ton. I had chosen to remember the worst of others and doing so, became the worst. I worked my way down the list, and with my Father, I remembered, mourned, wrestled, and sometimes I ranted about why that person should stay on the list. My burden became heavier. I realized I had never really accepted my own forgiveness in Christ, and so I wanted to keep anyone else from enjoying the freedom forgiveness gives. The irony was that no one on that list knew they were there! I was trying to make them pay by damaging and inflicting pain on myself. I finally became exhausted under the truth of the burden. I had created it, and was carrying it of my own choice. That should sound like lunacy to anyone redeemed by the Blood.

The faithfulness of our Father astounds me. He gently pried my mind and my hands away from that list. I had inexplicably held on to it as treasure, but He showed me the rubbish it was. When at last I mentally “erased” my list, releasing each person to my Father’s care, the monsters had to leave. There was nothing left to feed them or nourish their destruction. The shadows were dispelled by Light, and the soil could be cultivated for new fruit, better fruit. Oh, the freedom that came to me through forgiveness, and not rehearsing awful memories. How much better the interactions with others, but also with my self. As I was able to practice new habits in my mind, my heart benefitted from the grace and mercy it was fed.

My heart today

Today, I do not run a grudge nursery in my heart. I take my feelings about people and the hurts I receive to my Father and we spend the time sorting them at His throne. He has granted grace and mercy in every encounter He and I have. There are some wounds that I’ve had inflicted upon me that take longer to wash clean, disinfect and allow to heal. It’s similar to a grieving process. But, I never go in to pet the little furry grudges, I take them captive and march them to my Father, and allow His light and His grace to change my mind and rightly fertilize my heart. It is always a process, and by His leading, most of the time, it is quick. A simple conversation and acknowledgment on my part. Then, by His Spirit, healing and pardon on His part. The moral of this story: Don’t allow the little furry grudges in your heart to begin with, or they’ll continue to blossom into full-grown monsters of despair, intent on making your heart a wasteland, devoid of the Spirit’s fruit.

Similar Posts

One Comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.