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What is this place?

I don’t know where I am right now. It’s like an uncharted territory, and I don’t have a frame of reference. There is no clear and labelled map for the piece of road I’m on. I have had some times like this in my life before now, and when I tried to talk to people about it, they seemed to listen for a bit, then the conversation would take a hard left, and they would say it sounded like depression and some went so far to recommend medication. My goodness. Where is our tolerance for tension? Why does everything need a resolution quick, fast and in a hurry? These questions and more like them have been swirling around in my head for a bit, and I realized I am sitting in this unknown place and thinking it’s like a puzzle that needs to be solved. I find myself picking up pieces and trying to fit them together, to discover meaning, or find a pattern, or eliminate the chaos. I’ll just say, it’s not working. Now, precious reader, stick with me. I’m letting you in on my thoughts, and I am aware of myself. Keep your depression diagnosis to yourself and just come sit with me for a moment.

I have been picked apart over the last 7 years or so. And maybe it’s been my whole life, and I’ve only just recognized it for what it is, but it is what it is. Particularly in these last years, there have been many and varied relationships to fail, literal deaths, huge life changes, the entire decade of 2020, the dismantling of my echo chamber, the deconstruction of things I thought I knew. As I type, I realize this is normal. Anyone reading can identify and add to my list, and we could become friends over the course of telling our problems and stories. The difference in the cycle of the last 7 years of my life has been the relationship that has grown with my Father. I came to Christ young, and I don’t know that I had to make any really tough choices to make my faith my own. But in this round of testing, I am more and more willing to throw common sense and worldly wisdom to the wind and just stake it all on God’s word and His wisdom. I know having children initiated many of these changes and epiphanies, but I see it now as the Lord’s work in me, and He will continue that work to absolute completion. He is not about to leave me hanging, or half-sanctified, or stuck. He wants to see His work displayed where He can get glory, and I can look like His daughter. This will be a distinctly Shannon-flavored Christ daughter. He’s not keen on getting rid of the girl He crafted in the womb, He’s the Creator of who I am. He just wants me to realize that the life she lives is Christ’s. Christ’s life is hers. And so, as I walk in my Shannon-suit, the spirit animation comes from the Lord Himself. This has been disconcerting to realize. Further, I see all the time I’ve wasted to create the habits I’ve used for years and years to cultivate the image that people expect a Christ follower to have.

The harm in these habits is that they allow a shell to exist and suck the life out of Life. I’ve met people who wished they were robots or automatons to carry out God’s will. This would be the least pleasing option to our Father. We see it as behavior modification, when what He wants is our hearts. My habits propped up right belief and right behavior, but never came close to addressing my heart. And the heart is where the Life is. Right beliefs became dogmatic in the absence of love, and right behavior became self-righteousness devoid of anything that pleased the Lord. The law has already been tried, and we simply can’t keep it! Rather than admit defeat, though, we subtly twist our thinking and begin to teach the idea of unity as one of uniformity. We mistakenly believe that we will all act, talk and walk the same if we are following Christ. That just isn’t true. Unity comes from a harmonious diversity. God, with His infinite imagination didn’t create us to be those robotic automatons. He carefully and wondrously created us to be unique, so that as He inhabits us, He gets the glory for what happens, not us.

As I learn more about the truth, everything has changed. I don’t see things the way I used to. Reading the Bible is not the same. Praying is definitely not the same. Certain songs don’t sound the same, and singing is different. My feelings aren’t the same. The way I go through my days have changed. How I meet and relate to people has changed. How I spend my money is different. How I save my money is different. The lessons I want to teach my children are different. Food is not the same. And so maybe, with all this upheaval, you’ll grant me a truckload of grace and see with me that this is a new place. From the outside, and with my temporary eyes, it all looks the same. But on the inside, and with eyes of faith, I’m in a radically different place. As revelation was dawning in the last few years, it came with atrocious circumstances. Honestly, it was so much I just clammed up and let it happen. Then, I had strategically placed friends that the Lord allowed in my life and He granted space and time to talk with them. And now, I am in a place with no name. I am not unhappy. In fact, I am content. There is something strange here, and it isn’t clear. How can I explain it? I really don’t think I can and so I’m quiet.

This is also new for me. The being quiet part. I’ve always talked. For a living and for a hobby, as a gift and a talent. And now, I find that even a lot of my prayers are filled with silence. It’s not bad, just different. And like I said earlier, I think if I were to try and talk about it, I would be met with misunderstanding and disappointment, and right now, that is a far worse prospect to me than the silence. I know the Lord is with me in this, and I’m with me here, too. What I’m finding is that this is not a situation or a process, or a puzzle to be solved. This is the result of walking with the Lord and getting to know Him and His ways. I am not afraid, abandoned or despairing. I am not confused or upset. Obviously, I still have words. But I think these words are more for the Author than the reader. These words don’t necessarily make anything clearer. I say that the tension exists and resolution may not come in this life. I need to acknowledge the place where I am, and all the while, I hear in my spirit, “I AM here, too.” That is enough.

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4 Comments

  1. Beautiful! I’m sure Job felt similar at the end of his winnowing. He saw God and God saw him. His heart was changed forever and he was a better man for it.

    1. I am so thankful for your comment. You’ve boiled it down to a one-liner. It only matters that I see God and know God sees me. Everything changes within His gaze.

  2. You know me – I am not that eloquent with words…yet knowing events and us sharing tears with you; reading this brings heart and soul to a place that somewhat mirrors what you have wrote…you know my heart for God’s Kingdom and thus the impact upon our hearts reading this…do no harm is who we are to be and yet – harm has been inflicted upon you in the name of religion.
    My thoughts are of Joseph in the pit looking up as his brothers stand around the top of the hole looking down. Just wait…what they intended for harm God will use for good. Josephine.
    It’s not Brazil – It’s Africa. 🙂

    1. I was just reading about Joseph this morning. He was the best Joseph he knew how to be, no matter the circumstances. God saw him, and made everything he did successful. He was simply himself, and allowed the Lord to use him wherever and however. False accusations, pure hatred, schemes and rejection were simply part of the fabric of the mantle the Lord was making for His servant.
      haha! you’re right, it’s Africa!

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