When condemnation stalks

The haunting specter of condemnation hounded my thoughts this week. Insidious and persistent in its attacks, it focused its force on memories of the past. I experienced seeing the faces of friends long gone, because I walked out and walked away, without so much as a backward glance. I heard snippets of hard and terrible confrontations, hateful words both given and received. I faced reminders of faithful friends who are no longer in my life because of one thing or another, evidence of the fleeting nature of this short and vaporous life. I relived the flushing, hot shame of badly timed, foolish words, asserting of self and setting fire to bridges of peace. The appearances of this ghostly invader were relentless and loud. I’ve heard the Accuser, and the Accuser sounds like me.

These intense flashbacks, and deeply hidden (stuffed?) memories intruded with bad manners and without invitation. The thoughts surfaced at the worst times. I would be fully engrossed in a task that required my attention and unbidden, a face from the past would come to my thoughts. I would have to put the thought aside and finish the task at hand before I could even think of dealing with the intruder. Taking thoughts captive is no easy business. And this week, it seemed task after task piled up and by the time I could get away, I was too fatigued or distracted to deal properly with the reminders of the past. Still, I could sense them stalking the perimeter of my mind. After days of this, I was an angry, messy, twisted ball of emotions. I knew enough in my brain to know I do not stand condemned before my Father, but how to deal with the junk of yesterday, much less yesteryear? Am I just fooling myself that He loves me and sees me as nothing but an asset to Him and His Kingdom? Looking back, there appears to be so. much. carnage. And it centers around me and the failures and shortcomings of my faulty personality. I am the common denominator.

Holy reminder

In the spring of last year, I had nothing left. I had been ruthlessly cut down, and cast away. Every relationship held uncomfortable static, and it was only by sitting outside observing nature that I experienced any peace. At those times, sitting outdoors, the Father would send His creation to the rescue, soothing my hurt, lifting my eyes to something greater and more awe-inspiring than the spiritual cannibalism I had encountered. He brought His word to life on the wings of birds, the play of the sunlight in the clouds and the variety of flowers blooming. He showed me how I was taking inappropriate responsibility for those around me. He reminded me I will stand alone before Him with only Jesus’s robe of righteousness. He’s not keeping score of right and wrong. He’s not balancing accounts. The score-keeping and accounting was completely taken care of when Jesus died on the cross. Jesus became sin (all of it, and for everyone) that we could, by grace, enter into His sinless life. That’s the life He lives out of me by faith. I can not become responsible for another person’s journey of faith, or circumvent the way of the Spirit with another human. I can own my sin and change my mind about it, and continually enter into the Peace who is Jesus. And that’s what’s been happening for the last year. I still encounter hurtful and thoughtless people and circumstances, but because of the healing that has taken place in me, I do not react or respond in the same way.

It was this reminder of not taking inappropriate responsibility that helped me deal with the ghosts of the past that came spooking this week. I do bear responsibility for some of the junk of the past. I sinned in awful and grossly spectacular ways, but also in subtle rationalizations and manipulations. I was callous and reactionary in my words and actions, and also negligent and dismissive in other circumstances. The responsibility of today is to confess and change my mind, knowing He is faithful and just to forgive. Each time the Spirit shows me the nugget of truth in the memory, I am quick to agree with Him. However, I am also on guard and do not accept any accusation without confirmation from my Father and Friend. I was shown that some of this rubbish is simply related to how He made me. That’s not necessarily a sin. My Father and His Word will show me who I am to Him, and He will convict me and guide me. I will not allow the arrows of the enemy to lodge and then become my responsibility. I lift my shield of faith to take the dart, and then, rather than panic, withdraw or flee, I will listen to the Commander and Counselor of my spirit to faithfully extinguish the flames.

Holy process

Since my present holds the peace and healing of Christ, the attempt at condemnation was focused on my past. This week was a whirlwind of the unexpected. However, I wasn’t completely off my guard. As soon as I realized the static or friction between my soul and spirit, my path to resolution became clearer. I intentionally made time to go to my Father and Friend and show Him the thoughts of my brain. I asked Him to transform me in the renewing of my mind (His mind), so that I can think as He thinks. In part, life can be characterized as a series of run-ins with people, and it is important that people of the Spirit are walking in His ways to be fully present as Christ in each encounter. We should offer the aroma of Christ to the people we encounter. And when we aren’t? There is grace and forgiveness to be had at His beautiful throne of grace. There are times when we’re called further upward in Christ to go back to the person and attempt repentance, forgiveness and reconciliation with them, too¹. I am simply responsible to remain with my Father, praying and allowing His healing to make me ready for whatever claim He places on me.

The comfort my Father longed to apply to my buffeted and battered brain came through a text from a friend. She sent me Luke 15:1 from the New Living Translation. “Tax collectors and other notorious sinners often came to listen to Jesus teach.” She emphasized the NOTORIOUS and laughingly said that it held a sinister tone.² For me, that word held hope and light. Jesus wasn’t concerned about being seen or associated with sinners who were famously well-known for their sins. These weren’t men and women who were politely behaving in a culturally acceptable way, putting on a show of righteousness in public squares one minute, and then privately blaspheming God in their hearts the next. These were the sinners who sinned boldly, and badly and had earned their reputation to be recognized by everyone as sinners. Since nothing is hidden from God, we are each notorious sinners to Him before we turn to Christ. That could have been me! What a beautiful reminder! Jesus’s life was also recorded as a series of run-ins with people. Every time He turned around, there were large crowds, needy sick people, snobbish and accusing religious folk and always, always his ordinary, hand-picked entourage who never seemed to be on the same page. And yet, Jesus was sinless in His interactions with these humans. He said and did exactly what His Father directed, and some walked away healed, others sad, some overjoyed with gratitude, and yet others, consumed with anger, fear and envy, plotted how to kill Him. I don’t see Him obsessing over these encounters and the reactions of others. He committed Himself to the Father’s ways and stuck with it. And our response to Him matters. My response was settled years ago. There is no need to revisit why or be surprised that I need a Savior.

The Light of the world shed His light into my brain. In His light, the thoughts weren’t nearly as menacing. The Accuser wasn’t me. The flashbacks held pieces of the truth, but I am not the sole instigator of conflict, nor am I a wrecking ball of annihilation to those around me. I am not a liability or a disappointment to the Author of my life. The past can’t be changed by me, and I am free to see different meaning than what I’m used to applying. In fact, the past can be overcome by the God who transcends time. Isn’t that what salvation is all about?³ The quieter and more persistent Spirit took me back to memories that countered the allegations of destruction and the feeling of total responsibility in the collapse of relationships. The power of sin is still around and mimics my voice and wants me to take the bait of condemnation. If I’m focused on myself, how can I effectively take the power of God to the people around me? I won’t even be aware of the thirsty, the hungry or the poor. I will turn ever inward, bemoan my failures, and the cloud of despair will continue to grow and engulf me and anyone I touch. Truth says there is no condemnation, not even in the despair. I have come to see it as a detour best avoided.

When these accusing thoughts initially came to me, I had no time available to inspect them. I put them into a corner of my brain, but I did not forget. The persistent nature of the thoughts was like a message in itself, as it indicated my brain was trying to take a terrible scenic route down shameful memory lane. These thoughts were seemingly unrelated⁴ to what was currently happening in my life. All of these observations served as warning flags. The quicker I could get these thoughts before my Father Friend, the quicker they would be sorted properly. Taking the thought captive does not mean to analyze it. I think of it like prisoner of war imagery. If I continue to fixate on the enemy, I will be tempted to identify myself with him. The enemy will take opportunity to cultivate sympathy. When dealing with intruder thoughts, I visualize myself binding my thoughts in ropes or cords (some also need gags), and marching that pesky thing to my Master, fixing my gaze on Him. He has the wisdom and strength to dissect and categorize the thought. He will impart His wisdom and strength to me, but I must not attempt to address this thought on my own. A lot of our thoughts come from the enemy realm of sin and are not even ours. The longer I scrutinize and turn the thought in my brain, the more likely I am to accept it as mine. I will think it originated with me, and that I am responsible for it. This process may sound like a lot of work, but it is necessary. We have the self-control and power to take thoughts captive, and our weapons are supernatural. We have Help, for He lives in us and we in Him.

1. This is not a formula or prescription to be formally and thoughtlessly applied to every situation in our own strength. These are new opportunities to know the Father and hear His heart. The other person is often trapped and entangled in a web of their own, and are not open to any further contact, even if for a season. I have seen firsthand how we take Biblical principles and stubbornly apply the principle without consulting the Person behind the principle or seeking the proper motivation of the Spirit. Trust me, this causes further damage and desolation. ↩︎
2. There’s a reason the word ‘notorious’ held a sinister tone for you, my friend. Check out these synonyms: bad, base, blamable, blameworthy, censurable, contemptible, corrupt, criminal, debased, debauched, degenerate, depraved, despicable, detestable, dirty, discreditable, disgraceful, dishonorable, disreputable, evil, ignominious, immoral, infamous, inglorious, iniquitous, loose, low, mean, miserable, nefarious, perverted, reprehensible, reprobate, rotten, seamy, shady, shameful, sinful, sordid, unethical, unrespectable, unrighteous, unsavory, vicious, vile, villainous, wicked, wretched, wrong.
   Even the more positive synonyms take on a sinister tone when coupled with the word sinner: acknowledged, big-name, celebrated, distinguished, exceptional, fabled, fabulous, famed, formidable, great, illustrious, important, leading, legendary, notable, noted, noteworthy, outstanding, popular, prestigious, prominent, recognized, remarkable, renowned, significant, supereminent, superior, visible.
   It’s while we were still notorious sinners that He died for us. I am really thankful you sent that text. ↩︎
3. I highly encourage you to read Romans 4-8 in various translations. Read it slowly, read it out loud, read it repeatedly. Listen to audio versions. Ask the Spirit to guide your thoughts and grant understanding. Christ accomplished a finished work, and we are considered complete in Him. I was incorrectly taught that we have 2 natures. We do not. I believe the difficulties in translating Greek to English partially provided for this confusion (flesh, sin nature, old nature, old man, etc), and immersing myself in the word and thinking with the mind of Christ, illuminated by His Spirit has brought clarity and so much freedom. Also, seeking out other interpretations, commentaries and reading books by authors who had likewise taken the time to consider these chapters has been immensely helpful. ↩︎
4. Once the thought is illuminated by the Light, it can be assigned proper meaning and significance. It becomes a tool of discovery in the hand of a trusted Counselor. While these thoughts bombarded me and seemed unrelated to my present circumstances, the healing I needed was very much a part of my present. Unknown at the time, I would need to attend an event that held strong ties to my past. Rather than hanging my head, participating in hypocritical performance art or preserving a shaky status quo within myself, I was free to meet the circumstances with confidence and assurance. When I do sinfully step out of the Spirit’s life, there is always a warm welcome waiting for me upon my realization and return. ↩︎